


Names

by AngelynMoon



Series: Making a family [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fertility Issues, Gen, I had a good run, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Miscarriage, Past Mpreg, Stillbirth, back to angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:54:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23472787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelynMoon/pseuds/AngelynMoon
Summary: Bucky starts to remember names.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Making a family [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1673449
Comments: 3
Kudos: 99





	Names

He starts remembering names. At first he thinks that they are the names of people he has killed, he writes them down to look up later and he never does.

It's not until he wakes from a nightmare that he knows who the names belong to.

He finds himself walking to Central Park, after he makes coffee for when Steve wakes up in half an hour.

To his fellow early risers he looks just as tired as they are but Bucky is not tired, he's sad.

He walks up to a tree, it's a nice tree, trimmed and straight. His hand rests against it's trunk and Bucky feels the tears coming, he remembers it, the very first one, the one he had decided would have been female, the one he'd been mentally calling Sarahi after Steve's mother.

God, Bucky remembered being so excited when Steve had told him he was carrying his child, yes, he'd also been afraid, so afraid of losing Steve and being left alone with a little thing that depended on him when he depended so much on Steve.

He remembered taking extra shifts to buy a small blue blanket for Steve to work on, remembered carefully picking out the thread for Steve to alter it. 

And Bucky remembered returning home to a silent apartment and hearing faint sobs from the bathroom.

He remembered Stevie's tears as he told him he was losing their baby, that they wouldn't have to pay for a doctor to do it.

Bucky remembered holding in his tears as he reassured Steve that his working extra wasn't for that kind of doctor. He remembered the feel of Steve's trembling thighs beneath his hands as he massaged them and between them to try easing some of his pain, he'd known then that there was nothing for the emotional pains Steve was experiencing.

Bucky remembered leaving Steve for a moment to collect the blanket he'd bought for their child's birth, his own tears falling as he wished it would hold a baby instead of a mess of nothing and lost potential.

He'd used it to wipe his tears away, felt it fitting that the would be child would have their Alpha's tears and their Omega's blood to keep them safe in the afterlife. He'd gone back to Steve, drained the cold, bloodied water and helped Steve birth what might have been their first born.

He vaguely recalled that Steve hadn't answered when he'd asked what the Omega wanted to do with the bloodied mess.

He knew that some Omega's felt the need to eat the placenta, whether there was a living child or not, Steve's mother had told him it was likely for the nutrients but Bucky had always found it kind of gross, but if that was what Steve had wanted he would have done it for Steve.

Instead Steve had remained quiet and Bucky had told him he'd be back and he'd left the apartment, had taken their child here to this park.

It hadn't been much then, too much open space and a few trees, he nestled their would be daughter in one tree's roots, the tree had been tiny, not much more than a sapling and Bucky remembered thinking a strong wind would knock it down.

Perhaps that's why he'd chosen that particular tree to cradle their child's remains, because it would be almost like Steve got to hold them.

He'd whispered the name he'd chosen to the blood and tissue that was wrapped in blue and then had laid them gently in the dirt, covered her up and asked the tree to keep her safe.

He'd gone back to Steve with tears falling down his face, wiped away before entering the apartment.

He'd cleaned Stevie up, had placed the cloth he'd bought for when Steve gave birth, he'd been hopeful that Steve would live despite his odds, between his Mate's legs to help stem his bleeding and to not ruin their sheets. He'd carried his sniffling Mate to their bed and held him until exhaustion took him in to sleep.

Then Bucky had gotten up and spent hours scrubbing Steve's blood from their tub through tear blurred eyes.

Bucky found himself sitting among the tree's roots, his back against it's trunk, hand resting over the spot where he'd buried his first born a life time ago.

"Hello, Sarahi. It's dad." Bucky began softly, "Sorry it's been so long, I... I forgot you for a few years, a group called Hydra stole your name from me." 

And Bucky found himself telling her about everything that had happened since he'd lost her name.

"You have a few living siblings now, most of them are adopted and grown but they are still ours. Your mother gave birth to a little girl named Aisling. She's beautiful, Sarahi, like I had imagined you and all your sisters would have been." Bucky leaned his head back on the tree's trunk, "She smiles a lot, Natasha says it's probably gas but I don't care if it is because we never got to see you or any of the others smile at all."

Bucky stopped and looked up when someone came to stand in front of him.

Steve sat down next to him and leaned against him and the tree, Bucky laying his head against Steve's.

They sat there for a while, neither speaking.

"I started to wonder where you took them." Steve said quietly, eyes wandering over the visible portion of the park, "Especially after you fell, not that I expected to come back, but when they woke me up I found myself wishing I'd asked." 

Bucky reached out to draw Steve closer, to take his hand in his own.

"When I lost Buchanan I was sad that he wouldn't be able to be with his siblings because I had never asked where you'd taken them." Steve whispered.

"I gave them names too." Bucky confessed, "It felt wrong not to, I know that you couldn't so I did, each time you told me I gave them names, hoping...."

Steve felt his breath catch as he began to cry.

"I lost them." Bucky shook his head, "Hydra stole them from me but had I had a choice I keep their location over their names. No matter how much Hydra took from me they couldn't take you or them from me, I remembered where I left them. I remembered that I had a Mate."

Steve buried his face in Bucky's shirt and held him tight as he cried.

It took several moments for Steve to calm down and Bucky waved away a few well meaning people, though quite a few kept watching them as if they worried he'd actually hurt Steve.

"Maybe we can make a memorial or something." Steve suggested quietly, "Like we couldn't then."

Bucky rested his cheek against the top of Steve's hair.

"I'd like that." Bucky told Steve gently as he squeezed Steve's hand.

"Me too." 

Above them Sarahi's tree's branches swayed in a soft wind and a small flower fell from one, falling to land in Steve's lap where Steve and Bucky's joined hands rested.

\--

A/n: I honestly debated writing this one because I was doing so well at moving them on to happy but Bucky is also still recovering, doing very well actually, but he still has nightmares about memories Hydra took and now he's remembering the names he gave to the children Steve lost.

At some point Steve told him that he named the child before Aisling Buchanan and Bucky can't even find it in him to tease him about it because well, he can't honestly say he wouldn't have given a child that Steve died giving birth to some form of Steve or Stephanie to remember his Mate, the middle name since they already had a first name.

As for Aisling, she's with Uncle Sam exploring some pretty bush nearby and even gets to pet a puppy while mom and dad are talking.

Bucky and Steve eventually walk through the park and Bucky tells him what child is buried where and what he named them, there are tears and Sam makes sure they take some breaks to cuddle Aisling and to have a picnic with the rest of the kids.

They bring the Shield and Tony convinces Sam to play frisbee with it and they entertain several school children who are visiting and maybe a young Peter Parker trips into Loki and accidentally turns blue where they touch.

Loki then tries to kidnap him but Natasha is the voice of reason and they talk to May and Ben and they both come live at the Tower and Loki has his baby back but no clue how to care for him because he's not a baby anymore, May and Ben are very patient with him.

Tony taught the nine year old to call Steve Grandma and Bucky Grandpa, it backfires because Steve and Bucky kind of like it (Tony forgot Steve wants to be called mom).

I don't know Peter's real age, it's either 12 or 9, I have no idea the sites I looked at varied so I'm going go with nine because I like younger Peter with the group, they are so used to not being around kids it's funny to watch them try to be child friendly, especially sleep deprived spies and assassins and caffeine deprived Tony Stark's.

I made a list of the names Bucky gave the kids Steve lost but then I counted them and there's over 30 and I don't think I want Steve to have lost so many babies, it makes me sad to think about that so I'm not posting the name list until I decide how many he's lost.

Sarahi is a form of Sarah, it means Princess/my princess.

Any names I have chosen for Steve and Bucky's children are Irish, Gaelic, or Hebrew in origin because i've read that Bucky is Jewish and Steve is Irish/Gaelic, I don't know for sure but that's what I went with.


End file.
